I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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