you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
