Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
