Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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