I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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