remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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