It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
