The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
