They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
