I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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