Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
