i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I want her autograph on my taint
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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