having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
