does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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