wrigley field is MILF paradise
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
