when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
