38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
