Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
