cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
