My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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