I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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