I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
