:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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