I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
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