Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
