Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
tonight lets celebrate not being married
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize