Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
