I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
