Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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