How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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