god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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