did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
