i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
