apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
