Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
