i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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