Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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