I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
