4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
