Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
