he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
