I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
