I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
