On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm too high and old for this...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
