smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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