the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
