If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
