my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
