I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
