I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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