this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
