suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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